Quiet Your Wandering Mind | Understanding Rumination

Learning how to quiet your mind starts with a surprising step: instead of trying to stop your thoughts, you learn to watch them. In this video, mindfulness educator Nina Purewal explains the difference between the "chatty mind" and the "observing mind," and how strengthening the observer gives you some distance from worry, rumination and spiraling thoughts.

Key takeaways

• The chatty mind is the part we lean into most. Nina compares it to a toddler: "It's just running out of control."
• The observing mind is "like a witness to the chatty mind." It doesn't try to solve, question or judge your thoughts. It notices where you've gone and brings you back.
• You can practice this "over and over again, possibly hundreds of times a day."
• A mentor once told her the rabbit hole starts "once you get into the fifth or sixth thought about something."
• Awareness is "the first step. That is half the battle."

What Nina Purewal says

Nina describes the mind as having two parts. The chatty mind is constantly producing thoughts, so much so that "we don't even know the next thought we're going to think." The other part, which she says we all have, is the observing mind. It simply notices. In her example, it says, "Okay, Nina, you're supposed to be sitting in this meeting, but you're worried about the next meeting," and then it brings her back.

She explains how quickly an ordinary thought can snowball: a banana at the grocery store can lead to "Oh my gosh, I never brought my grandma banana bread when she was sick." The mind "has a really funny way of just latching on and pulling us down." It can be our best friend or our worst enemy, and observing it is how we lean toward the first.

The bigger point is distance. "When we struggle with anxiety or some depressive thoughts, we think we are our thoughts. But we're so much more than our thoughts." She uses the ocean as a picture: you are the depths, and your thoughts are waves on the surface. Some are huge, some are small, but "they are not us." Building that "awareness muscle," she says, is what lets you do something about your thoughts.

Why does my mind wander so much?

Because that is what minds do. In one well-known study, researchers used a smartphone app to sample people's thoughts and feelings during the day. They found that people think about what is not happening almost as often as what is, and that this mind wandering typically makes them less happy (Killingsworth and Gilbert, Science). The goal isn't a blank mind. It is noticing sooner when you have drifted, before one thought snowballs into the next.

What do psychologists call the observing mind?

Psychologists have a name for what Nina calls the observing mind: decentering, the ability to step back and look at your thoughts rather than live inside them. A 2015 review describes it as built on three related skills: being aware of your thoughts, not identifying with them, and reacting less to what they say. The authors note it may play an important role in mental health (Bernstein et al., Perspectives on Psychological Science).

Try it in two minutes

Sit for a moment and let your thoughts come. Each time you notice one, label it simply ("planning," "worrying," "remembering") without arguing with it. Then return to your breath or to what is in front of you. Expect to drift again and again. Every return is a rep for the awareness muscle. If overthinking is draining you, read why overthinking drains your energy and how to stop it and why rumination makes anxiety, depression and stress worse.

If racing or repetitive thoughts are affecting your sleep, work or mood, a doctor or therapist can help. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (US).

Video transcript

Transcript (lightly edited for reading):

In our book, Let That Sh*t Go, we talk about the mind having two parts. So bear with me. This is a little outside of the box. So the one part of the mind that we are constantly leaning into, we refer to as the chatty mind. Okay? This is the mind that is thinking these 60,000 thoughts a day. And it's like a toddler. It's just running out of control. We don't even know the next thought we're going to think. That's how little control we have over our minds. So that is the chatty mind. And what we need to do is we need to lean into the other part of our mind, which we all have. And this is called the observing mind. The observing mind just observes what the chatty mind is doing. It is like a witness to the chatty mind. It doesn't try to solve for what you're thinking about. It doesn't question what you're thinking about. It doesn't judge you for thinking the thought. It just says, "Okay, Nina, you're supposed to be sitting in this meeting, but you're worried about the next meeting." And it brings it back. And you can do this over and over again, possibly hundreds of times a day. When you notice the mind wandering off, you notice it and you bring it back. And I had a mentor say to me once, once you get into the fifth or sixth thought about something, that's when you really start going down the rabbit hole. A banana at the grocery store can lead to, "Oh my gosh, I never brought my grandma banana bread when she was sick." The mind has a really funny way of just latching on and pulling us down. Unfortunately, sometimes the mind can be our best friend. Sometimes it can be our worst enemy. So we need to lean into the former, and we can do that by observing the mind. And this creates some distance between us and our mind, because when we struggle with anxiety or some depressive thoughts, we think we are our thoughts. But we're so much more than our thoughts. As I said, I learned in the ashram, we are true happiness and bliss. And so if we really can go back to that and know... this is kind of a cheesy example, but if you think of the ocean, it's like we are the depths of that ocean and our thoughts are just like waves on the top coming from us. Sometimes they're tsunami-like, sometimes they're little and bubbly, but they then eventually merge back into us, but they are not us. So creating some space between us and our thoughts, and that awareness muscle, is the first step. That is half the battle. If you can just be aware of your mind, then you can do something about it. We have a saying in the book: you can't let sh*t go unless you bring sh*t to surface. And that's what awareness does.

Common questions

How do I fix a busy mind?

You don't have to fix it. A busy mind is normal. What helps is practicing noticing when you've been pulled into thought and gently coming back to the present, over and over. Short daily mindfulness practice makes that easier.

Can you ever fully stop your thoughts?

Not really, and that isn't the goal. As Nina describes it, the chatty mind keeps producing thoughts. Quieting your mind means relating to those thoughts differently, watching them come and go instead of following every one.

How do I quiet my mind for sleep?

Try the same observing skill in bed: notice the thought, label it, and return your attention to your breath or the feeling of your body on the mattress. If worries keep you up, jotting them down before bed can help you set them aside until morning.

How do I stop worrying about what people think of me?

Start by catching the worry as a thought, not a fact. The observing mind lets you say there's that worry again without judging yourself for it. That bit of distance makes it easier to let the thought pass.

About the expert: Nina Purewal is a mindfulness educator, the founder of Pure Minds and co-author of the bestseller Let That Sh*t Go.

Related: Clear Your Mind: The Power of Meditation & Mindfulness