You Don't Have to Be Perfect | The Myth of Having It All Together

Perfectionism is the drive to be flawless, paired with the belief that anything less is failure. It often comes with harsh self-criticism and the feeling that everyone else has it all figured out. In this short video, Cat Miller, the founder of ThisWayUp, pushes back on that idea and shares the mindset behind this community: admit your flaws, and be kind to yourself anyway.

Key takeaways

• "No one really has it all together." The polished version of other people's lives is rarely the whole story.
• Having flaws doesn't have to stop you from feeling good about yourself.
• Cat names a few ways forward: being compassionate with yourself, being grateful for what you have, and continuing to do what you want in the world.
• Imperfect people can still help make the world "a better place."

What Cat Miller says

Cat starts with a simple, honest observation: "I think if we're honest, no one really has it all together." It's a direct challenge to perfectionism, which depends on the belief that you are the only one falling short.

She describes ThisWayUp as "a community of people who are willing to admit their flaws" and who, despite those flaws, find ways "to make ourselves feel fabulous about ourselves."

Her answer to imperfection isn't to fix every flaw first. It's to "be compassionate with ourselves, be grateful for what we have, and continue to do what we want in the world." It's a useful counterweight to the voice that says you have to be perfect before you're allowed to feel okay.

Is perfectionism a disorder?

No. Perfectionism is a personality trait, not a diagnosis. But research links it to real mental health struggles. A meta-analysis of 284 studies found that both main dimensions of perfectionism, perfectionistic strivings and perfectionistic concerns, were associated with depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders (Limburg et al., Journal of Clinical Psychology).

It also seems to be growing. An analysis of 164 samples covering 41,641 college students in the US, Canada and the UK found that perfectionism rose steadily between 1989 and 2016. Young people increasingly felt that others were more demanding of them, and they were more demanding of themselves (Curran & Hill, Psychological Bulletin).

If perfectionism is feeding anxiety, low mood or problems with eating, a doctor or therapist can help. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (US).

How do I stop being a perfectionist?

You don't have to stop caring about doing well. The goal is to loosen the all-or-nothing rules. Start by noticing the thoughts that say one mistake ruins everything. Pick a low-stakes task and let "good enough" be enough. When you slip up, talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Our article on how self-criticism affects you and why we do it explains where that harsh inner voice comes from, and why gratitude is good for your brain shows how noticing what's going right can shift your focus away from what's missing.

Video transcript

Transcript (lightly edited for reading):

I think if we're honest, no one really has it all together. ThisWayUp [is] a community of people who are willing to admit their flaws and, notwithstanding those flaws, find ways to make ourselves feel fabulous about ourselves, be compassionate with ourselves, be grateful for what we have, and continue to do what we want in the world, including make it a better place.

Common questions

Is perfectionism OCD or ADHD?

Neither. Perfectionism is a trait that can show up on its own or alongside other conditions. Research links it with OCD, anxiety, depression and eating disorders. If you're not sure what's behind your patterns, a mental health professional can help you sort it out.

Is perfectionism always bad?

Wanting to do good work is healthy. It becomes a problem when your standards are rigid, mistakes feel unbearable, or your sense of worth depends on getting everything right.

Can self-compassion help with perfectionism?

It can be a strong counterbalance. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the kindness you'd offer someone you care about, especially when you fall short. It's the first thing Cat names: being "compassionate with ourselves."

About the expert: Cat Miller is the founder of ThisWayUp. Before starting it, she worked as an investment banker and earned an MBA from Harvard.

Related: Boundaries & Self-Compassion: Protect Your Peace