Why We Get So Good at Pretending We’re Fine

"How are you?"
"Good."
‍
"Everything  okay?"
"Yep."

Sometimes the easier it gets to say those words, the further they are from the truth.

We all hide what we’re feeling sometimes. We smile through a hard day at work or school. Tell our friends we're just tired. Reassure our family that everything is under control when privately, it feels anything but.

We don't want people to worry. Or maybe we're afraid they won't understand. And sometimes we've spent so long appearing capable that admitting we're struggling feels like admitting we've failed.

Whatever the reason, pretending we're fine can become surprisingly easy. Until it isn't.

Why We Hide What We're Going Through

There isn't one reason people hide their emotional distress.

Shame can play a role. So can fear of judgment or rejection. Some people worry about being labelled "dramatic" or "difficult." Others don't want to burden the people they love, particularly if everyone around them seems to be dealing with problems of their own.

And sometimes maintaining the appearance that everything is fine simply feels safer than explaining what's really happening.

Research increasingly suggests that this kind of self-presentation can come at a cost. A 2024 study involving 972 adults found that camouflaging and impression management were associated with mental health difficulties in the general population. And some of those associations were stronger among women. Read more

Hiding how we feel doesn't necessarily make those feelings disappear. Usually, it just means we're carrying them alone.

Nobody Knew Anything Was Wrong

"I was the person everyone thought had it all together. I went to work, answered texts, made plans and remembered everyone's birthdays. If someone asked how I was doing, I'd say, 'Busy, but good.' I became so convincing that I almost believed it myself.

"What people didn't see was how anxious I was when I got home. I wasn't sleeping properly. I'd lie awake replaying conversations and worrying about the next day. I stopped doing things I enjoyed because everything felt like too much effort, but I always had an excuse ready.

"I didn't tell anyone because I didn't think what I was going through was serious enough. Other people had real problems. I thought I should be able to handle mine." - Anna

Watch Reel

We tell ourselves that other people have it worse. That we're being ungrateful. That we should be able to cope. And the longer we keep functioning on the outside, the easier it becomes to pretend that nothing is really wrong.

But appearing okay and feeling okay are very different things.

The Cost of Keeping Up Appearances

Suppressing emotion can help us get through situations where we don't feel comfortable being vulnerable. But constantly hiding distress takes effort.

Research on emotional suppression has found that hiding outward expressions doesn't always reduce the intensity of the emotions we’re feeling and can even take a toll on your physical health. It can also require a lot of energy and affect social functioning. Read more

There can be another consequence, too: if nobody knows you're struggling, nobody knows that you might need support.

That's one reason shame can become such a difficult cycle. We hide because we fear being judged. But hiding leaves us feeling more isolated, which can reinforce the belief that we're dealing with something nobody else would understand.

The important point isn't that everyone should share everything they're feeling. It's that we deserve to have somewhere we don't have to pretend.

I Finally Told Someone the Truth

"Eventually, a friend asked me how I was doing and, for some reason, I didn't give her my usual answer. I said, 'Honestly? Not very well.'

"I immediately wanted to take it back. I thought she'd think I was being dramatic or that I'd suddenly become another problem she had to deal with.

"Instead, she said, 'I've been wondering if something was going on.' Then she listened.

"She didn't fix anything that night. My anxiety didn't disappear and the things I was struggling with were still there. But something had changed. Someone else knew. I wasn't spending all of my energy trying to convince one more person that I was okay.

"That conversation eventually helped me ask for more support. But the first step was simply letting somebody see that I wasn't fine." - Mei

Opening up isn't always easy, and not every person will respond the way you hoped. That's why choosing someone you trust matters. It might be a friend, parent, partner, teacher, counsellor, doctor or another person who has shown that they can listen without judgment.

And you don't have to tell them everything. Sometimes the first step is simply saying, "I've been having a harder time than I've been letting on."

There is a Swedish expression that really captures what happens when you open up: “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” 

You Don't Have to Perform "Fine"

There are good reasons we learn to protect ourselves. Sometimes keeping things private is exactly what we need. The problem comes when "I'm fine" becomes the only answer we're allowed to give.

Letting someone see behind the façade doesn't mean giving up your privacy or asking them to solve everything. It means allowing yourself to be known a little more honestly. Because support can't always reach us when we're working so hard to make sure nobody knows we need it. 

And sometimes the most important thing another person can offer isn't an answer. It's simply the space to stop pretending.

Cat's Story

Cat knows what it's like to appear as though everything is okay while privately struggling. Hear how her lived experience taught her the importance of letting other people know what was really happening – and why asking for support became part of finding her way forward.

Watch Cat's story:

Cat Miller's Mental Health Recovery Journey | ThisWayUp

Your Turn

If you've ever found yourself saying "I'm fine" when you weren't, consider spending a few minutes with these questions. There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is simply to notice what might be behind the instinct to hide what you're feeling.

• When I'm struggling, what makes it difficult for me to let other people know?
• Do I ever worry that sharing what I'm going through will make me a burden?
• Who in my life makes me feel safe enough to be honest when things aren't going well?
• What do I wish someone would ask me when I'm having a difficult time?
• If I didn't have to pretend I was fine today, what might I say instead?

Sometimes opening up doesn't begin with telling someone everything. It begins with allowing one person to know that everything isn't okay.